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5 Days Out From 45

Five days out from 45, and truly I feel I've come a long way from the dark, broody teenager I once was. That being said, I still feel dark and broody but in a good way. Also- I still "feel" like a teenager... sort of.

Here's what's up with me, closing in on half a century:

▪ Anytime I reach for my probiotics, I start singing Greased Lightning,

▪ Where once my mother’s desire to “brighten up her face” with lipstick made no sense, I now understand the subtle differentiation of feeling like you look half way to the grave vs looking already dead with lipstick on. ▪ Incensed in my late thirties at the almost in escapable expectation of meeting ‘north american male” beauty standards, I trashed all my g-strings. Now, ironically, the freedom of so little material is the only undergarment that accommodates my fully liberated feminism. ▪ I am electrified on a Saturday night about 9 pm, but think it’s too late to text my best friend to explain I’ve reached the pinnacle of my week and finally learned how to fold a fitted sheet. ▪ While I used to find The Eagles excruciatingly boring, I catch myself singing along in the car to “Take it Easy”, fantasizing about performing it at karaoke, leading the crowd in a little light overhead arm swaying to the “ooohoooh oooh” part. I am crushingly embarrassed but… not nearly as much as I should be. ▪ I’ve started to think in terms of what I’ll get in return for the effort of putting on my pants and bra to go out in the evenings. As if my friends OWE me something. This BETTER BE FUN. Or else? As though there could be punishment any greater than having to deal with me pressed into blue jeans. ▪ When I was younger, alcohol led to staying up all night with friends and some sort of sweaty, entanglements with strangers. Now one glass of wine and my body becomes a stranger to me, refusing to sleep, sweating copiously as I toss and turn entangled only in my own stress ▪ i eat celery because it’s rumored to burn more calories being digested than it contains to eat. This makes zero sense but it’s better than exercise. ▪ where I used to look at jumbo tampons and stare in wonder, ‘who USES those?”, i accidentally bought a mixed pack with some of the smallest size and was shocked as the same thought ran through my mind. ▪ unless I’ve checked in the last 9 minutes, I almost certainly have something hanging from my nose or food in my teeth.


rough copy

©2018 by Amber Stoby